On Weight.

One of the more interesting side effects of being closely monitored 24/7 in the hospital and rehab clinic was the complete revamp and rethinking of my diet, something that should have happened long ago.

Full disclosure, I was on and have been on GLP1 medications for the past several years, with variable results. It wasn’t for weight loss, it was for diabetes, which I was diagnosed with in 2000.

I started on Ozempic, and ended up getting gastroparesis, which caused me to throw up every day for about six months. Yes, I lost weight, but it was very unpleasant.

Then, I switched to Trulicity, which was great, but it rapidly ran out as people who were using it entirely for weight loss began to deplete the resources.

Finally, my doctor settled on Mounjaro, which is where I am right now. It’s been pretty decent. Definitely an appetite suppressant, but it doesn’t make me sick, which is pretty spectacular.

However, I still ate pretty much whatever I wanted before the surgery, which, unfortunately, was a lot of Taco Bell, and way too many sweets for anyone, let alone someone with diabetes.

It’s sort of like I ignored my health problems because I had a mental problem, isn’t it?

Anyway, when I was in the hospital, that changed. But, like all detox, it happened sort of forcefully. Did you know that you have a menu in the hospital that you can order from, and that it has a pretty good amount of “normal” food?

Did you also know that if you’re on a restricted diet, that when you order food you can’t have, the person on the other end of the phone says “no”?

Yeah. I got “no” a bunch in those first couple days.

And, so, aside from the loss of the limb, which accounted for some of it for sure, I lost a bunch of weight. And I have continued to be really conscious of my eating and making sure I don’t cross too far into bad territory, so that my body doesn’t freak out again.

I take supplements to get extra collagen into my body for wound care, I drink extra protein to make sure my body is healing, I watch my carbohydrates to try and make sure my blood sugar doesn’t spike too hard, and I try to consume as many vegetables as I can.

Now, as a result, I sit at 209 lb., which is less than I’ve weighed since I was in high school. That’s a good thing.

I also have body dysmorphia, so I feel inside as if I look the same as I did when I weighed 371 lb., which was my heaviest.

But, I know empirically that I don’t. I just…feel fat sometimes. Or like I don’t deserve to not be fat somehow.

What can I say? My mind is a messed up place to live.

But, I can’t deny that I feel better, aside from the whole missing foot thing. I have been gifted an environment in which to heal that has a lot less stress than the one I was previously in. I have enough to make sure I can eat well. I get guidance from medical professionals daily.

Do I still want Taco Bell? Yeah. I do. But I know that if I do succumb to that urge, I can modify it to make sure that I’m not doing too much damage.

I had a goal with weight loss a long time ago to get under 200 pounds. I didn’t know if I could ever realistically do it, but that was my goal.

Now, I’m in striking distance. I think I can do it. It would be a pretty major accomplishment for someone who has always internally defined themself by their weight.

But, I also know that I am now thinking differently. I don’t define myself that way quite as much anymore. It’s a lifelong habit, so it’s hard to kick, but I really want to try.

I am so much more than my weight. Good things and bad things.

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As always, if you have it in you, please give a thought to donating time or money to Hospice Austin. They do amazing work for people who are going through the hardest thing a person can face.

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