Am I Still Attractive?

If I ever was to begin with, that is…

This is neither an appeal for praise nor a surreptitious attempt to “find” anything. I absolutely adore my wife, and I am so lucky that we are together and have found each other.

But, I do wonder if things would have wound up this way had I been in this chair when we first met. And, from what I’ve seen online, I’m not alone.

When the smoke clears from the surgery, and you’re through the initial rehab, and you’re dealing with the falliout from what is legitimately a serious life-changing event, one of the things that you wonder about is your value.

Not your intrinsic value, but your societal value.

Do I have a place? Will my voice be heard? Am I still a valued member of the tribe?

Am I still attractive?

And the truth is, I do notice people looking at me differently since this has all happened. Of course they do. Who wouldn’t?

First of all, it’s strange when you see someone missing a body part. It just is. We’re taught not to look, and not to mention it, but it’s a fact. I don’t have a left foot.

And that’s ok.

You’re more than welcome to ask about it, and to wonder how it feels, and even to touch it (which happens more than you’d think).

After a while, I can see people being more comfortable with it. Just like I was. I mean, I live with it all the time, and it’s never far from my mind, so it’s a little easier for me. I don’t expect people to be going through their day, and to think, “Jeez, I wonder what’s going on with Mike’s foot.”

But, here’s another truth.

Sometimes, I do feel small. I feel like maybe I’m easier to ignore.

For all of my life up until now, I took up space, and a lot of it. Not only am I newly disabled, but I also take up much less space than I used to.

Am I dwindling? Fading away?

I’m trying really hard not to, and this blog is part of that, but I concede that I have my moments of doubt. I am not mobile on my own, I am dependent on others to make things happen, and that can be humbling, even potentially humiliating.

I’m not used to that sort of dependence.

And there’s also the matter of aesthetics.

I see small children recoil. I can see the looks frok strangers.

Am I a monster? I certainly don’t feel like one.

And, yet, when I think about it, there aren’t a lot of examples in media of disabled people being desirable in any way. The only exception I can think of is that woman from Notting Hill, who was ethereally beautiful.

And maybe Artie from Glee.

Look, people like what they like. They have biases and preferences and they are reacting to societal norms and abnormalities, I totally understand that.

And, like I said, I’m quite comfortable in my relationship.

But I do wish that more people realized that there are actual people in there when they look at disabled people. That they realize that every story is different, and they don’t lump us all together as spare parts.

Just something to think about.

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As always, if you have it in you, please give a thought to donating time or money to Hospice Austin. They do amazing work for people who are going through the hardest thing a person can face.

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